Feature Submission

Features

Fundamental

There are three fundamental principals you have to heed when making a film- visual, auditory, and performance. But that’s fooey-jumbo to regular Joe’s like you and I! So I’m gonna break it down in layman’s terms and we can get straight to the potatoes.

See. You have two eyes on your face. They like to look, because that is what they do. Give them something to look at. No, not the carwash across the street… the movie. Make the movie so it looks good. Invest in a fog machine, a big fan, some pretty lights. Make a day of it. Then make sure you move the camera a lot, so the audience will feel packed with action. But that’s just simple stuff. Here’s my tip- don’t think of shots you think look like a movie, think of shots that SHOULD be in movies.

Hear. When people you don’t like talk to you, can you drone them out so that their voices sound like a million bees trapped in wax paper? Same thing happens when movies have bad sound. Some sound advice would be to get a boom mic. They have cool names, like “shotgun mics” and “uni-directional”. Isn’t that neat-o? It sure is. My audio advice falls with getting a sound guy, because it’s really hard, and you have to be crazy to be a sound guy. Of course, they’ll say it’s easy, but don’t believe their lies.

Act. My pappy used to tell me (in-between the beatin’s), “When you do it, you gotta do it like you mean it, or else somebody’s gonna come along and do it better than you, and then you won’t be doin’ it... and she'll be doin' it with him.”. Later that day he shot himself; it was never the same after mom ran away with my brother-in-law. The point is, you have to really understand what you are before you can pretend to be something else- and that’s a bonafide fact. My best advice for acting is for you to rehearse completely fucking naked in front of a mirror, whispering your lines and stacking Jenga. Figure out what you’re going to say, then think about why you would say it, then think and say it at the same time. But you gotta loose your entire mind in each part… or it’ll be all for nothing. Remember to jump off the screen into the audience. (Note: Don't literally jump out of the screen. Those things be mighty expensive.)

So, like, those are three things that make up a movie, explained as a leopard to a newborn baby. There’s absolutely nothing to glean from this at all, but there hasn’t been a feature on Supergun Cinema for quite sometime, and the Macbeth 3000 DVD is still taking quite the bit of time to come out, so if I’m rambling, then so be it.

And now for the kicker: Gee whiz Marice, you put the fun in FUNdamental! Well, thank you Cody- you put the MENTAL in retarded fucking mental patient.

Article by: Denis Logan

Past features: